I had one of those realizations yesterday. A scary one that shows what my biggest faults are when I look into the mirror:
I have a major problem handling failure!
Before, I liked to think that I embraced failure because that’s the best way to learn. I knew that because all the people I admired and who have mentored me in the past have told me that. So I liked to say out loud that I accepted failure and got the best out of it.
But that isn’t true. Because I always missed the first step: Accepting failure when it happens
What I do is rationalize the failure when it occurs. I pretend it’s not really a failure at all. I suffer from failure denial.
The amazing thing about having “failure denial” is that you can go for years, perhaps your whole life, pretending that failure didn’t exist in your life. The easiest example of how people do it is that they blame others for the situation and pretend to themselves that they did nothing wrong. I’m pretty sure I don’t do that because my problem is that I blame myself for everything, even when I’m not around a situation when it occurred.
My problem is that I reinvent history. I say that success occurred when it obviously didn’t. So what happens is that I don’t take anything away from the failure because I pretended it never happened.
So two big problems occur:
#1 - I don’t learn anything from the situation and are doomed to repeat it.
#2 - Rationalization eats at the soul and if effects everything about who you are. And what happens it that you get scared to try something new because you’re afraid of that failure (that never happened) to occur again. So you become neutral.
Damn. Failure occurs with everyone, no matter how talented or smart you are. My foolish pride has harmed my future. I let my embarrassment get the best out of me. I need to get over this.
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